How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. – A.A. Milne
I can’t begin to wrap my head around life without you. You and your sister felt like the first decision of my adult life. I remember waiting for her to be born. We’d wanted a lynx girl and a bicolor boy. Because it was a stage in my life when that sort of nonsense mattered. But I’m glad it had because when I got the call that Lulu’s litter had come and there was no bicolor boy we decided to wait…and five days later you were born.
You have always been larger than life. You were gorgeous. Iconic. The quintessential Ragdoll at home but a raving lunatic when taken anywhere else.
When I got pregnant with Maddox my first dreams were nightmares that I’d somehow betrayed you. But when he came you loved him.
You never came around to Delhi in quite the same way. You were my dominant boy. My alpha. The grand centerpiece of our household.
I have always been sort of good at death. Practical. Selfless. Almost removed to the extent that I can occupy myself with taking care of everyone else.
But if you know me, you know that I’m also kind of terrible at death. I cannot face the slow process of dying. I throw cut flowers away the second that they start to wither. I sneak balloons into the garage and puncture them before they can slowly sink to the floor. Sitting with endings has never been a strength of mine. Being by your side these last few weeks has been more than my heart wanted to bear.
I’m typing this through tears so thick I can barely see the screen. Writing this feels so self indulgent but I don’t know what else to do in times like this other than write. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I can’t imagine Maddox and Tyson’s lives without you in them.
You were an institution and the first living thing that was really mine and I loved you so damned much. Enough to give you these wings. I was the luckiest girl in the world to spend your whole life with you.
I love you.