In late June, I went for a long run and my left foot felt suspiciously sore afterwards. I’d never had heel pain before and hoped it was a fluke.
Two weeks later, it was feeling pretty good. And I sprinted a 5K on the 4th of July.
Or, I should say, I sprinted about 2.9 miles. And then sprint-limped the last bit.
Afterwards, I was really starting to hurt. By that night, I was on my hands and knees.
We went to see the fireworks at Poly and my husband literally carried me into the house from the car because I felt like I had shards of glass in my feet.
In the several months between then and now, I’ve seen two doctors. Cried at appointments. Worn compression socks. Slept in a foot brace that hurts so much it wakes me in the middle of the night. I’ve done multiple rounds of what I’m told is the strongest available prescription anti-inflammatory. Rolled frozen bottles of ice under my feet. Taken supplements.
And limped out of bed every. single. morning.
I just want to run. I want to put on a pair of shorts and some headphones and blast my music and run.
For one mile or twenty. I want to sweat and sprint and lose myself in a burst of distance and energy. I hate myself for ever dreading training. I regret every morning that I could run and didn’t. There are a thousand other workouts available to me from a health and fitness perspective but nothing does for me, mentally, what running did.
I don’t know why this won’t heal. I don’t know why compression socks and ice didn’t have me back out on the road after a few weeks. I don’t know if this is ever going to heal on its own or if I’m headed for surgery. I just miss the sport that gave me my mental space and my sanity. In fact, if I’m going to be totally honest – I’m a little bit angry. Or maybe more so a little bit resentful. At what, I don’t know. But I see the men and women running in my neighborhood and the posts and the pictures and I wonder why this was taken from me and…I am resentful. I know that’s not right or healthy or admirable to think much less say out loud and I probably shouldn’t admit it this publicly. But I’m always honest with you and I’m not going to stop now. I want to heal. I want my runs back.
This weekend is the Wine & Dine race weekend. I’m registered for all three races. I haven’t missed a Walt Disney World runDisney race in about 3 years. I have no desire to start now. I’ll likely walk the 5K and feel out the rest of the weekend and try to balance my decisions somewhere between ambitious and stupid.
So at the end of the day I’ll just say – I know the miles can be long and hard and awful. I know they hurt. I know that sometimes that alarm goes off before dawn and there’s nothing you want to do more than turn it off and go back to sleep. But for what it’s worth – I’d give anything for that alarm right now. And I hope that reading this makes at least one person dread their next date with the pavement a little less.
Run strong, my friends. I hope to join you again soon.